Where's my bun?

Well the blogging world and online community has been buzzing at the wonderful news of Sharon and Walter’s adoption! I could not believe my eyes when I received the sms on Sunday morning that the birthmom was in labour!

Baby Ava Grace was born yesterday! Barely 4 weeks from starting the adoption process! I am in awe of our Wonderful Lord who has opened the door and filled their arms with a gorgeous little girl!

Congratulations my dear friends! My heart is touched and I am so so so so SO happy for the two of you!

You have received a wonderful blessing, and may this little miracle be the light of your lives and your hearts!

to get my big ass into gear. Phew have I gained weight!!!! I’m now 35kg over weight. The last few months have been fatal for my health. Now that I’m starting to feel better about everything I’ve been looking at options to start losing weight. Since I hate diets I wasn’t sure what my next steps will be, but I think I’ve found a plan that might work. I’m going to put it to the test and starting Monday I’ll be dusting off my weight loss blog and hopefully I’ve found something that will work. It’s going to be hard work, nothing comes easy, and as soon as I have to start sorting through my emotional problems, I get this feeling of paralysis. But I am determined to take the next year or two to sort out all my emotional issues, my weight issues, financial issues as well as my relationship issues.

I can’t really describe how free I feel since going onto BCP’s. I’m excited about the future. It was a very hard year, and certainly felt as if I’ve been baptised by fire. Everything I thought was important and held dear to me has been burnt to ashes. But, and its a big but, I now have the opportunity to rebuild my life and make some much needed changes so that I can become a thriving human being. There’s potential out there and I’m dying to find out what it is and how my life will unfold as I near my 40’s! I know God has some amazing plans in store for me and I feel so excited about it!

It feels as if I’m about to morph into a beautiful butterfly! Now how’s that for rainbow farts??

Ok so things have been going up and down lately. I was feeling great two weeks ago, my depression and anxiety seem to have lifted, in fact, I had no anxiety whatsoever. But then I got the flu, and I started feeling very depressed again, I was a bit surprised how my body reacted to that. In the past when I got a cold or sore throat it was just a minor inconvenience in my life, I was still my chirpy happy-go-lucky self. It was a pain getting a proper diagnosis because I would have a hectic sore throat and go see my doc for antibiotics (for some reason my strong immune system did not kick in with tonsilitis) and they wouldn’t take me seriously as I was soooo friendly! LOL! I couldn’t help myself, life was good back then, of course they’d think my condition wasn’t serious and often wouldn’t medicate me properly, prolonging my pain.

I was feeling despondent when I felt depressed again, I couldn’t believe that I have to go through all the anxiety and clenching my jaw until it aches and clenching my fists so tight that I would leave painful nail marks on my palms. I had to start over again? Give me break please! I’ve used up all my Xanor (I only get 10 a month), so now I’m waiting patiently for my repeat script, which I’ll get in a few days. 

But except for the anxiety my mood is lifting once again. To be honest I think I was stressed about my Dad’s health, we don’t have the closest of relationships, but that doesn’t mean I want him to die. He’s in end stage renal failure, and because they absolutely refused to pay for medical aid, he’s not able to get dialysis because the cutoff age for dialysis at state hospitals is 55. He’s 64. But other than that I was also angry with him for not looking after himself, by following a low sodium and low potassium diet, for not taking blood pressure meds, because he stubbornly believed that he was healed, without going for check ups to see if this was indeed the case. I feel it was very irresponsible of him to do that. But there’s absolutely nothing we can do about that now. He is now doing all he’s supposed to do, and I think facing one’s mortality is a big shock.

But onto my new life. I’ve almost finished my second pack of BCP’s and what a difference two months make. I feel free for the first time in years! At this point in my life I really really really do not want to fall pregnant ever again, in fact I don’t even think I want children anymore.  I just can’t see us with kids, at all, it now feels like an empty dream. I’m surprised how quickly I adjusted, where in the past I was so fearful to end up without children and honestly? I actually believed we were going to have children. Sometimes I would doubt it, but for the most part, we were heading for a family.  But I think for the most part, and please forgive me if you don’t agree, but I think in our case it certainly rings true, we simply weren’t meant to be parents. And I have to accept that. I also do know and understand that God might be testing me and maybe keeping me to my word, but I promised Him that no matter what happens and even if  He does not give me children that I will always love Him and follow Him. And I stand by my word. I knew when I made that promise that I will most probably be tested. I think in some ways that’s the reason why I was never angry about my infertility. Was it a stupid thing to do? Maybe, but for me my salvation and ultimate destination was and still is more important to me than any gifts I get granted here on earth. I also know that we as Christians will have difficulties, after all, the road to eternity is narrow and difficult, and the road to destruction is easy and wide. I also know that He is in complete control and will never do something to harm me, so whatever I’m going through, whatever I’ve gone through was put in place to form me and mould me. Like that verse that says I am the clay and You are the potter.

But this post has turned into something completely different to what I wanted to post. I actually wanted to post about getting healthy and fit etc, but I’ll leave that for another day.

So after a lot of thought and no discussion with my hubby as I still hadn’t brought up the whole naming of our lost angel. I decided that I will not give her a name. I do not want to be reminded of my pain every time I hear her name, and think “That would have been my girl’s name”.  I’m sure if he wants to talk about it he would, but for now, I’m happy not discussing it.

We have decided to stop trying all together. I’ve gone on the pill, not that there’s any chance of me falling pregnant naturally, but just because I need a mental break. I know my body so so well, I know when I’m about to ovulate, I know all the symptoms and signs, and I will forever wonder if this might be the month, maybe this is our time, maybe we will have that miracle after all.  Trying to conceive is a very hard habit to break, it’s been part of me for almost 7 years now, I still find it difficult to switch off and not think about it.

We have started living our lives as a child free couple, our dreams and plans no longer include children, we will no longer put our lives on hold or postpone an event or plans because we might be pregnant and because our plans might change etc.

We will obviously take it as it comes, we have agreed that if either of us want to continue and give it another go we will re-asses and discuss and take it from there.  We just need to take the pressure off ourselves for a while. Neither of us want to adopt. We both feel very strongly about it, there’s nothing wrong with, I commend other couples who take that route to realise their dream, but it’s not for us.

I am so grateful that I embraced my last pregnancy, that I was able to put the cute little fruit sizes on my blog and post my scan pics. I had decided that I WILL do it for myself, I also knew that it was going to be my  last chance, and to be honest I enjoyed most of it. It was difficult knowing I was inflicting pain on my fellow IF friends, I was constantly tormented by guilt, and at times it took a lot of encouragement and relentless nagging from my sister to actually post my scan pics and choose a ticker for my forum, but at least I got to experience the joy for just a little while. I will forever cherish those moments. I finally felt what morning sickness felt like, I finally experienced the pregnancy hunger and fatigue that I had been dreaming about.

20 October 2009 was supposed to be my due date. I always make a point of not remembering my due dates, but 2 weeks ago I did remember, and I allowed myself a moment of reflection. I wasn’t sad of hurt or devastated, I was grateful, I remembered it with love, peace and joy.

After my loss I also promised myself that I was going to see a therapist to make sure that I don’t bury anything, that I deal with this properly and that I’m certain that I have fully come to terms with our decision to stop. My extreme depression and anxiety cemented the fact that I need help as well as some hectic family drama which resulted in a breakdown of a relationship I had cherished with all my heart, and the fact that I had over extended myself to such an extent that I was no longer able to cope and my body has finally crashed. I’m heading for my 3rd course of antibiotics, I had to cancel all my social engagement for the last two weekends.  My last week at work was a blur, and I was feeling confused and out of place. To top it all, I misread the label on my antibiotics (I was very confused) and accidently doubled my dose, the result has been extreme abdominal pain, with an increase of symptoms.

Apart from all the negative emotions, I do feel as if my life is starting again with renewed hope and courage.  I’m looking forward to what the future has in store for us and I am rather confident that we will be able to tackle our problems head on. I am looking forward to some easy times, I long for just one month without stuff, just a moment of peace and quiet. Just a year off to be restored and healed. To just be and to just rest in God’s peace. How my soul longs for some quiet peacefulness, to have joy again.

I love shopping, I love shopping for food on a daily basis. I hate shopping on a monthly basis and having to freeze all my meat, and whatever else, because I end up wasting most of it.

So every day after work, and soon, after my trip to the post office as tomorrow is my last day, I go to our local woolies store. Most of the car guards know me, as do the woollies’s trolley guys. I feel sorry for them, so I let the woolies guys push my trolley to the car, I tip him, and then I also have to tip the car guard, and it does get pretty expensive but anyway, I’m a real softy and don’t mind so much. Sometimes they take advantage and start asking me for big amounts of money, which I always politely refuse, I can’t afford to pay everyone’s rent and sometimes I would give them the 50 bucks if they ask me, and I feel led to donate. So we’ve built up a sort of a meet and greet, look after my car and unpack trolley relaptionship. (for my american readers, we have very high unemployment here, and you will always have someone insisting to look after your car or unpack your shopping trolley for a tip). It’s not like I can’t unpack my own trolley or reverse out of a parking lot without any help. Especially here in JHB we don’t have much of a choice, it’s part of everyday life.

But I’m getting side tracked. One of the woolies guys or two of them have befriended me and we chat about the weather and whatever else strangers talk about when doing small talk, so for two weeks I notice that neither of them has been at work. Then I get to the shop and here is the quieter one of the two, and he greets me, looking nervous.

Him: I’ve been waiting for you (that’s what I heard because he’s very soft spoken)

Me: Hi, sure what can I do for you (fully expecting him to ask me for money as he was looking nervous, cos why on earth would he be waiting for me?)

Him: Nooo, I don’t know about you, but I’m very happy to see.

Me: Ooooh, sorry I heard something else, yes, I’m also happy to see you. OK bye! Have a nice day.

I go home and feel strange, I thought maybe I was a bit short and hope I have another opporunity to chat to him. A week later I see him again and making light conversation on the way to my car, this is what happened.

Me: I haven’t seen you for a long time, is everything OK?

Him: Yes it is, I only work here for 2 days, and 2 days I work somewhere else, and them I’m off for 3 days.

Me: That’s great that you have days off (just being polite)

Him: I was thinking on my off days, maybe Friday or Saturday can I see you?

Me: You mean you are lookign for work?

Him: No I want to see you.

Me (confused): How do you mean see me?

Him: You know *see you*. Because……. I love you more than life itself!

Me: (thinking WTF???): That’s so sweet, and you’re a very nice man but I’m married. So no you may not see me.

That was my twilight zone experience of the week. Pretty strange Huh?

Although he is very sweet, I can’t help to see a blaring red flag here, the guy doesn’t even know me, all I’ve done is greet him and tip him. I feel a little disconcerted about this. You know like a stalker kind of feeling. I can’t shrug it off.

Needless to say this has forced me to cut my woolies trips short as I’m too much of a coward to face him, and on occasion I’ve had to make dinner with what I can find in the house, instead of buying everything fresh. I have seen him once more after that, and he called me darling and tried to say that since our conversation he notices I don’t come as often. I just lied and said that I was unusually busy. *sigh* I have no idea what he sees in me in anyway, I’m fat and ugly. And I think that’s what bothers me, If I was hot with a great body I can undestand the infatuation, but I’m not.

I’m off early from work today, in fact I’ve been going home early the last few days, and spent yesterday in bed. I am so so sick with the flu, nothing helps, I’m going back to the doctor and hopefully she’ll me give something that works this time. I was just wondering when my body was going to crash after the shitty few months I’ve had. Guess I got my answer.

I’m surfacing after a long absence. Where have I been? In hell. That’s the only way I can describe what’s been happening since my last post. I have no idea if anyone still reads my blog, I know of one or two who still checks in regularly, but for now I feel safe enough to emerge from the ashes that has become my life.

I was so depressed that I was completely paralysed. I couldn’t do a thing, most weekends (when we had no plans) I didn’t even get out of bed. I would just lay there with the remote in my hand, and watching TV. I didn’t cook, clean, talk, file, pay accounts, shop you name it. I had become a non functioning human being. The only thing I could do was work. I had very reluctantly accepted a 6 month contract in May as a credit controller. In hind sight, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. It gave me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. And I got paid very well for it.

I had gone into complete shut down mode, and I shut everyone out of my life completely. I had and still have extreme anxiety, more severe than I have ever experienced in my life. It felt as if I had completely lost myself. I was lost in myself. I think the emotions were so severe that my body and mind had no idea how to deal with it. But for some reason I kept believing it will get better. I mean I was just feeling down and sad right?

The last weekend in July we had my BIL and SIL over for lunch, and she just in passing mentioned that she was thinking of going to the Worthy womans Conference in Pretoria, I felt this overwhelming urge to go, and asked her about it and she said she will book tickets for us, well that turned out to be the best thing I ever did. After receiving some much needed healing for my wounded heart, I felt like I was finally on the mend. This was Sat, Aug 5.

I woke the Sunday morning and couldn’t move, I was in bed the whole damn day again, I felt so useless and lazy and stupid and helpless that I was not able to get out of this place I found myself in. It should be easy, I’m a woman and we’re made to function on all levels, numerous tasks and thought processes, and here I was, in bed, again. That’s when it dawned on me that I needed help. I knew right there that I wasn’t going to get better, this was just getting worse, I feared for my own life.

I knew I needed to go on anti depressants. I had not wanted to do use them, although I know that I had been clinically depressed for years, I did not want to mess with my brain chemicals. That was stupid, I know.

My GP prescribed Cipralex for depression and Xanor for anxiety, she gave me 10 Xanor tablets and said I could take two a month. (Obviously she didn’t quite realise how bad my anxiety was. I finished all 10 in the first two weeks of starting Cipralex). After bursting into tears in her office, she explained what depression was. My serotonin levels which is needed to keep the neuron open in my brain was severely depleted, that meant that whatever signal my brain was sending out to my body never got to their destination, hence my complete debilitating paralysis. Wy brain was only able to do the most important tasks, in my case, my job, everything else had shut down and I was unable to do anything.

It had gotten so bad that I wasn’t even able to read the numerous blogs I loved to read on a daily basis. If  I did read them, I couldn’t even comment because I had nothing to give. It felt as if my mind was mute. There was nothing, nothing to say, nothing to express and nothing to encourage.

I’ve been on Cipralex for 6 weeks now, I am slowly starting to return to normal, I even started cooking again, which is a good thing cos I was really getting tired of Woolies meals and take aways!

I have been an exceptionally bad friend, sister and wife. I was just not there for anyone. I tried to be, but failed miserably.

I’m not sure if my anxiety is getting better, although I’m not so tense anymore, I do feel a lot more paranoid. My hubby left for CT on Sat and will return on Tues, it was initially thought that he would leave next weekend, but any case he’s not here now. I was fine on Saturday evening all on my own. Last night was a different story altogether, I kept thinking someone was going to break in and attack me, I kept muting the TV and shutting off the ceiling fan so that I can hear what’s making this noise and that noise. I finally decided to get the garden fork and keep it next to my bed, and thought I would fight off my would be attacker with that. After a while that didn’t help either, so I got my hubby’s pistol from the safe, got out my torch and put it all in the bed next to me under the duvet. Crazy!!

This morning I felt better, no more paranoia, then I got to work and experienced the most extreme anxiety ever. I sms’d my sis to pray for me, because I was sure I was about to lose my mind. I felt better after a few minutes but then the tears started to flow. PMS on Acid I tell you. It was really hectic! (I shouldn’t be having PMS as I’m mid cycle and I’m on the pill) So who the hell knows. Anyway can’t wait to start seeing a psychologist, I really need help. How on earth did my life fall apart like this?