So…… long time no see hey??

I think I’ve lost my mojo, that or I just don’t have anything to say. Life has been very uneventful lately.  Christmas was quiet, spent with just a few family member. My dad was very sick on Christmas Day, he’s had his ups and downs since then, but generally he’s been doing better since he’s on Heamo Dialysis from January.

New years was even more quiet, we didn’t go out at all and spent the night listening to the rest of the world partying while we were sitting quietely in our house with all the windows and doors closed to keep Rocky safe from the loud fireworks.

I turned 39 last Friday.

39 was the age I told myself we would stop trying for children if it hadn’t happened by then.

Even though we had stopped trying after my miscarriage in 2009 I still had an itsy bitsy little bit of hope left that it would happen for us naturally. ( I *really* didn’t want to go for another laparotomy to remove my Adenomyosis) Of course it didn’t happen.

Which leaves me to ask this question. What was the point exactly? We had come full circle. From taking things as they come with a “what will be will be” attitude, to desperately trying to have children right back to this place.

Was it to make sure we don’t have any “what if’s” while we’re sitting in our retirement home looking back on our lives, wondering if not having children was the best option?. At least we’ll know it was the ONLY option for us.  (We did consider not having children, but thought we were being stupid and selfish)

Was it to teach us a lesson? I find it hard to believe that a God of grace and mercy would do that. But then I’m not god. I’ll never really know would I?

Was it so that I can start my own business? Because the way I see it, it was the most positive thing that came out of 8 years of IF.

Was it so that I can reconnect with my Dad?  Finally see a Psychologist? Grow up? I could have done all that and more with babies in my arms. I really didn’t need the unnecessary heartache. On top of all the other drama.

Even though I still don’t know the answers, I have peace, we have peace. We’re happy and content and making plans for our future. I think we are where we’re supposed to be. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason.

So as of now I will no longer blog about my infertility, I’m putting it behind me completely and with finality. From now on we will live childfree by choice. We have already begun to embrace our childfree life. Many people will say that I’m not too old to have children and that I shouldn’t give up until I get it right, but I have given up, and there’s no shame in that. I just don’t have it in me to continue, and I won’t. For me it’s been enough.

I might just do a few posts about feline diabetes and feline ashtma, as there are a lot of clinical data out there, and I just want to post something personal, as well as about my depression, as I’m sure my accounts will help someone out there looking for personal experiences. When I’ve done that I’m hanging up my gloves and retiring from blogging. It’s has served it purpose. I’ve come to grips with my life and my feelings.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me listening to my rants and vents and heartache, cheering me on, supporting me and loving me from a far  (and close by).

Cheers! I love you……