This week was the second week my husband worked for 36 hours straight without sleep. He’s been working very very hard the last couple of months. I worry about him, I hope he’s not pushing himself too hard, I hope he lives longer than his dad who died at the age of 55. Today I also thought about his dad, his loss 11 years ago, still feels like it happened not so long ago for me, I can only imagine how my hubby must feel.

With the sadness also comes the joy, I finished my first 4 week Boot Camp today, so excited! I’ve been on a high ever since I’ve been back home this morning. We do sit ups and push ups for one minute each on assessment days to see if we’ve improved, I was a little nervous going into today, but I went from 21 push ups to 53 and from 33 sit ups to 66! So big improvement, I also shaved off a minute of my timed run from 11:56 to 10:56. That was tough! Shoowee, my lungs still burn! I think we run about 1.6 km, not sure, I heard one of the girls mentioning it earlier this week.  Then last but not least on Boot Camp, I received my certificate today (we all do) but mine has two extra awards, one for 100% attendance and I also got Ms GI Jane award! Woohoo! I was so chuffed that I got it!!!!! Ms GI Jane is for “one tough cookie”, there’s also a Ms Congeniality and and Ms Greece Lightening for the girl who runs the fastest, that’s the one I want to win, in time of course.

So proud of myself!

Then I’m formulating a blog post about my sister and her journey, starting with this photo;

So adorable!

I have sort of an idea what to write, but we’ll see how it turns out.

Rocky; My sweet sweet kitty. He’s been doing OK, he has bad days, really bad days, good days and really good days. He seems to be going a little senile on top of his other ailments. Sometimes, and only when he goes out into the garden, does he start yowling really really loud and so sad! The saddest most heart wrenching sound I’ve heard in a long time. When I call out to him he doesn’t respond, and it’s only when I pick him up that he seems to register where he is. It’s almost as if he’s calling something or someone. We’ve been keeping him very quiet as well, making sure all the windows are locked at night so that he doesn’t get out, I can’t remember If I told you about his fractured back, but in May after lots of visits to the vet, thinking he has bladder problems because he was urinating everywhere and licking his privates incessently, I took him to the vet, they kept him for tests and when I collected him, he was in such a state, growling and hissing and crying, no one could get near him, they called me in to the back to help them and I immediately sensed he was in pain, I also wanted to know what they did to him, they said he was scared of the dogs. Pffft, not my little monster, he’s scared of nothing (except cars, I tought him that!) It got so bad that they decided to sedate him, which they don’t like doing with a diabetic cat, but they did. After talking to my sis on the phone where she said I should insist on an xray, did they come back with “You’re right, your cat’s in pain”. He’d broken his C17 vertebrae (I think, it was a blur), close to his tail, it looked like an old fracture, and all the urine tests they did, hurt him again and exasperated the pain and the problem.

Sweetness all wrapped up!

They also said the nerve which controls bladder function pinched, that’s why he lost bladder control. What a story, but long story shortish, he’s better, we finally got his diabetes under control, he no longer needs insulin, he’s on Theophylline tablets for his asthma, that’s going okay-ish, I give him Metacam drops when I see the pain is getting too much. I have to be careful with the Metacam as it causes kidney failure in cats, but as pain meds go, no pain meds are good for cats, so it’s either that or euthanasia. He’s still got some life in him, he still loves playing in the garden, and sniffing everything and sitting on mommy’s lap. I know it’s a decision I have to make at some point, but for now I’m watching him like a hawk. And praying really hard that he dies in his sleep to spare me the agony of putting him down. *Sob*

Things with my mom are going OK, we’re still just in contact via email, I’m not ready yet. Not sure why? But I’ll go with my instincts, and keep it as it is. For now. Today.

I’m on my way to Sandton City, looking for swimwear and beach towels, we’re leaving for Uvongo on Thursday the 17th. SO looking forward to it!

My Dad’s also doing OK, also still doing Heamo Dialysis. He also got a new grand daughter, so apparently they are very taken with the new addition. At least my parents have grand children.

My nephews are growing up fast! Phil is 13 and Tim is 14, his voice has broken and he sounds like a man! I can’t tell you how much it pains me to see those two little babies growing into men! I’m also excited for them, they have so much potential, they are standing at the start of their journeys, and what a ride it’s going to be for them! Man, I really love those boys!

Today I had one Choc and Vanilla cupcake, compliments of boot camp and a bowl of oats for Breakfast. My weight loss is going steady, and I’m hoping my BMI is below 30 by the end of the year. It’s still hard work, always being on guard what I put in my mouth, but also making sure I’m not feeling deprived, causing me to overeat. It’s a fine line to tread. I’m on my 32nd week on weight watchers, I’ll only weigh and measure myself tomorrow to see how boot camp benefit me weight wise.

Today my heart is full of love for those I love, my hubby, my sis, my friends, my kitty, my family, everyone on my forum.

Mwuah!

Hope you have a blessed and happy weekend!

ETA: Ooooh almost forgot, Julius Malema or affectionately known as Juju has been suspended as ANCYL president yesterday, I think the whole country breathed a huge sigh of relief, but I’m sure we’ve not heard the last of him and I think he’ll be back even stronger and a whole lot scarier than before.

Looks like the transplant will happen in January, if my sister can sort out the Medical Aid authorization, the transplant co-ordinator has been dragging her feet and it’s causing unnecessary delays.

Next step is tissue matching, then a renal angiogram, and an appointment with the Urulogist who’ll be doing the operations.

I have to lose some more weight, my BMI has to be below 30, to put me in the over weight section instead of the obese section, apparently if it’s over 30 I have a very good chance of developing hypertension after the transplant. So work work work it is!

I joined Boot Camp in October too, just in time as the extra protein caused me to gain 2.2kg! I really had to just close my eyes and eat without thinking of the points I was consuming, after all without a good creatine result the weight loss would have been pointless in terms of the transplant.

Boot Camp is awesome! I really enjoy it, I can already run around the athletics field, and I am a lot stronger! On Friday we have our assesment day for this camp and I’m hoping to see a good improvement.

I'm in the black tracksuit pants with the white stripes doing tricep dips

Having a good giggle while working out

Then this past weekend we had an awesome baby shower for Sian.  I am so happy for her, and she absolutely looks gorgeous and glowing! It was also the first Baby shower where I wasn’t always on guard with my emotions, having made peace with our situation has really freed me, and I am able to enjoy my friends’ good news without feeling the sting of pain, and feeling left behind.

Holding Sian's precious bundle

He is the most beautiful baby boy I’ve seen in a while.

Also looking at this photo actually makes me feel happy, I can look at myself without wanting to run away. Losing weight has certainly brought back a little of my confidence, but I still feel gross and obese, and I know I look a tiny bit better, I think it’s just a matter of my mind having to catch up and getting used to myself again, and maybe some self acceptance would be a good idea too. I hope by the time I’ve lost most of my weight I can accept how I look, and not be too over critical, I found that to be the hardest part and in the end, I give up and let go. It would be so tragic and I’ll be working hard not to let that happen to me. But we all know the most difficult part of weight loss is keeping it off.

Then hubby and I are going away for a few days to Uvongo. I miss the ocean and I long for it with my whole being, I love the smell of the ocean and the sound of the waves crashing while I’m drifting off to sleep. DH has been working really hard lately, and he really really needs a break.

Hope everyone has an awesome day and an even better week!

A LOT has happened in the last 7 months. Life seems to be throwing us curve balls all.the.time.

Since March we’ve been on a whole different journey; my sister had gone into end stage renal failure. She was diagnosed with FSGS when she was 19. Initially we were told that she wouldn’t live beyond 30, for the last decade she’d been doing so well especially after following a strict vegan diet, that her Nephrologist said that she could expect to lose her kidney function at 50-60 years. So this was a big surprise.

She was very very ill. At one point I thought I had to say goodbye to her, but I just couldn’t. Things finally worked out where she was admitted to hospital and she started on Heamo Dialysis. It was touch and go in the beginning, her potassium was very high, her hemoglobin was very low. 4.1 to be exact. The night she was admitted was just in the nick of time, the Doctors were sure that she wasn’t going to survive the night. Fortunately and praise God she did.

From April I knew I was going to donate my kidney to her. I also knew that I needed to lose weight. At that stage I wanted to lose weight because I know carrying extra weight after major surgery makes life more difficult. But as soon as we started the process of donating my kidney I was told that my BMI should be below 28, I’ve lost 14kg so far, I need to lose 9 more. It’s slow going but I know I will get there in the end.

I’ve done a huge amount of blood tests, they’ve tested absolutely everything, any disease I could be suffering from that would prevent me from donating, as they do not want to put my life at risk, and also make sure that I do not have any diseases I can transmit to my sister via my kidney.

My kidney function is perfect! My liver function not too good, I had raised liver enzymes which I can only think is related to my obesity. As I’ve stopped drinking anything in May already, before that I’ve only had a few drinks socially, I’ve stopped my 2 glasses of wine at every night long before that.

Basically they are looking for any reason to exclude me. Which I think is a little absurd, I mean really, she needs a kidney transplant, I have two, I’ll gladly give up one so that my sister can have a chance at a normal life. Dialysis is not a great life, she spends 4 hours, 3 times a week at the National Renal Care Unit hooked up to an artificial kidney. My heart goes out to her, I so wish my little sis didn’t have to go through this, but she handles it with grace and strength! I’m so proud of her!

My blood pressure is fine.

I’ve had x-rays of my chest – all normal

I’ve had x-rays of my kidneys and other internal organs, all normal except a little fat on my liver.

On Monday we had our Psychological assessment, the Psychologist was happy with me and my sister’s state of mind, so we’ll be getting a good report.

Next step is to have an afadavit (sp?) signed at the Police station stating that I willingly want to donate my kidney to my sister and that we are biological sisters.

All of this and we don’t even know if we’re a match yet! So strange, you’d think the first thing they’ll want to do is tissue matching to make sure I am a suitable donor. Anyway, that should be our next step. We’re seeing the Nephrologist at the end of October to discuss our further steps. I also had to repeat a urine test because my creatinine levels weren’t high enough, ideally it should be low and points to good kidney function, but in this instance they want it high as the transplant board devides it in two to get a feel for what it would be without my second kidney, which makes NO sense at all as the remaining kidney will take over the function of the missing kidney! It just seems to be another thing they’re too strict on to exclude me.

Looking back it certainly makes sense why I’ve decided two years earlier than I initially thought we’d stop trying for babies. I’m now at peace with it, completely, and without that peace, the psychologist would have advised against me donating my kidney until I’ve conceived or made peace with it, and the whole process would have ended.

God truly is in charge of my life, even when I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life by giving up our journey to parenthood, I knew in my heart I had made the right decision. It was such a conflicting time for me, but I knew I had to trust my life into His hands, and that he has a purpose for everything!

Hubby and I are truly happy with our decision, we are happy and content. Working towards a bright future filled with no debt, overseas holidays and freedom and lets not forget, a healthy happy sister, without whom my life would be SO empty!

I think I’ve lost my mojo, that or I just don’t have anything to say. Life has been very uneventful lately.  Christmas was quiet, spent with just a few family member. My dad was very sick on Christmas Day, he’s had his ups and downs since then, but generally he’s been doing better since he’s on Heamo Dialysis from January.

New years was even more quiet, we didn’t go out at all and spent the night listening to the rest of the world partying while we were sitting quietely in our house with all the windows and doors closed to keep Rocky safe from the loud fireworks.

I turned 39 last Friday.

39 was the age I told myself we would stop trying for children if it hadn’t happened by then.

Even though we had stopped trying after my miscarriage in 2009 I still had an itsy bitsy little bit of hope left that it would happen for us naturally. ( I *really* didn’t want to go for another laparotomy to remove my Adenomyosis) Of course it didn’t happen.

Which leaves me to ask this question. What was the point exactly? We had come full circle. From taking things as they come with a “what will be will be” attitude, to desperately trying to have children right back to this place.

Was it to make sure we don’t have any “what if’s” while we’re sitting in our retirement home looking back on our lives, wondering if not having children was the best option?. At least we’ll know it was the ONLY option for us.  (We did consider not having children, but thought we were being stupid and selfish)

Was it to teach us a lesson? I find it hard to believe that a God of grace and mercy would do that. But then I’m not god. I’ll never really know would I?

Was it so that I can start my own business? Because the way I see it, it was the most positive thing that came out of 8 years of IF.

Was it so that I can reconnect with my Dad?  Finally see a Psychologist? Grow up? I could have done all that and more with babies in my arms. I really didn’t need the unnecessary heartache. On top of all the other drama.

Even though I still don’t know the answers, I have peace, we have peace. We’re happy and content and making plans for our future. I think we are where we’re supposed to be. I fully believe that everything happens for a reason.

So as of now I will no longer blog about my infertility, I’m putting it behind me completely and with finality. From now on we will live childfree by choice. We have already begun to embrace our childfree life. Many people will say that I’m not too old to have children and that I shouldn’t give up until I get it right, but I have given up, and there’s no shame in that. I just don’t have it in me to continue, and I won’t. For me it’s been enough.

I might just do a few posts about feline diabetes and feline ashtma, as there are a lot of clinical data out there, and I just want to post something personal, as well as about my depression, as I’m sure my accounts will help someone out there looking for personal experiences. When I’ve done that I’m hanging up my gloves and retiring from blogging. It’s has served it purpose. I’ve come to grips with my life and my feelings.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me listening to my rants and vents and heartache, cheering me on, supporting me and loving me from a far  (and close by).

Cheers! I love you……

I’ll resume the 30 days to truth thing as soon as things are looking better. It’s hard to be light hearted when things are looking grim.

That’s all.

I read a book called the Heavenly Man which made a huge impact on me in regards to my faith, and it also brought home why miracles are so few in the western world. The simple fact is, due to medical breakthroughs we don’t need God as much as other countries do. The western world is also much richer than any of the other countries and Christianity is allowed to be freely practiced. The book was about a young man in China, where Christianity was illegal, and it documented all the wondrous miracles that happed to Brother Yun.

I watched a DVD called ‘How Great is our God” now that changed my views on God completely. In fact I still battle with my prayer life because of it. We were brought up to start our prayers with “Liewe Jesus” or in English ”Baby Jesus” and that sort of took the power away, and all my life I looked to God as my equal of sorts but He’s much much bigger than that. I know it sounds strange, but I find it difficult to believe that God who is so Big and so Wonderful and Awesome, Who created the heavens and the earth would spend an iota of strength on my minute little problems and angst.  I know that He does, I know that He will, but my mind is too limited to fathom that He would and could and will, and does every single day. But I know He’s there beside me, even in the midst of my pain and my joy. I can feel His presence everyday. I know He protects me, but every now and again when I start to rationalise with my mind I stumble and my faith waivers.  So I don’t think of it too often and simply decide that just having faith the size of a mustard seed is enough, for Him and for me.

Adenomyoisis.

My life would be so much simpler, and less painful.

I can’t think of anything else.

But lets continue, I’m halfway through.

Well I’m sure EVERYONE I’ve come into contact with will know the answer to this one:

My Labello, I simply cannot go a second without it. If my lips are dry and I can’t find it the search turns into a frantic panic stricken frenzied search for it. I’ve been the butt of many jokes, and my BIL loves hiding it from me and watching me frantically searching for it.

I also keep losing the damn thing, I spend about an hour each day (at various times) wandering aimlessly looking for it because I can’t remember where I left it last. I use between 4 and 6 sticks a month and I’m always embarrassed when I buy them at the pharmacy. The tellers always seem to remark on the amount I buy every month.

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My Dad is finally out of hospital. He looks terrible though, he’s very tired and feels sick almost all the time. He’s still on very high dose Antibiotics.

And that’s it, not much ‘news’ on my side.

Till tomorrow!

Dear Seether,

You guys rock!!! Your music is loud and sounds angry but somehow it soothes my soul when I’m feeling down or anxious, and even when life is good you’re there so I can sing along with total abandon! Sometimes when our neighbours are being particularly aggravating we just play one of your CD’s extra loud just to be spiteful. We are fully aware that your music does not appeal to everyone and when we’re being bombarded by Kwaito or R&B we can aways look to you to bring some relief.

Love,

Your adoring fan.